Lessons in the weeds

If you’ve ever read any part of the Bible you are bound to have come across something having to do with planting or gardening or working the ground or growing things. Apparently God thinks there are lessons to be learned about life that can be found in the outdoors, specifically gardening or growing plants and food. Yeah….once again….and as always…. God’s right.

Last night and today I spent time performing one of my least favorite tasks in the history of all tasks. I pulled weeds.

I despise pulling weeds.

I love gardening, planting, enjoying food or flowers I have grown. I like digging in the dirt. I don’t even mind mowing and edging so much….but I HATE pulling weeds. Even my super cool, amazingly helpful weed yanker on a stick, the weed hound, doesn’t make me like pulling weeds.

Why do I hate weeds so much?

Well, it’s a lot of reasons. They are pokey and thorny and invasive and grow insanely fast. They try to act all pretty with their little yellow flowers or white globes of floating fuzzies but really, it’s just putting lipstick on a pig….they are still weeds. But I think the main reason is, you can clear your yard of them one year and the next…there they are again. Popping up overnight to say hello. Laughing at you as you war against them. I have spent hours and hours spring after spring pulling weeds and no matter how many I pull out by the root, the next spring, there they are again. Sometimes they are less than the year before….but they are there.

They are relentless.

And this morning, as I’m out with my trusty weed hound engaging in the battle, God gently nudges my mind and gets me thinking about the lessons in the weeds.

Life has weeds.

It just does. Each and every one of us has something(s) we battle. Something that we know is just not right. It may look pretty for a bit….like the flowers on the weeds…..but it’s just lipstick on a pig. Or it might be ugly….thorny….it pokes other people and leaves thorns in them.

Weeds are those things in our lives that keep creeping up on us and we just really don’t want them there. Habits, addictions, actions, words, thoughts, emotions…..many different things can be weeds in our lives.

We often choose to work and work at pulling the weeds in our lives and just as often, it is exhausting.

If we struggle with uncontrolled anger, we work so hard and pray so much for anger to be gone. If we struggle with fear, we work so hard and pray so much for fear to be gone. Food addictions, porn addictions, gossip, hatred, pride, worshipping our jobs, worshipping money, keepin’ up with the jones’s….it’s all just weeds and try as hard as we do and struggle as hard as we do….often they just keep coming back.

Have you ever struggled with something in life? Yes, I know it’s a dumb question. There are dumb questions and that is one. We have ALL struggled with something in life. Also, many of us have also felt at one time or another like we got victory over one or more of those struggles.

And then we go dancing through summer, and fall and winter. Life is grand. The summer flowers are blooming. They fall colors are gorgeous. Christmas is sparkly and perfect. Winter is cold but beautiful with blankets of snow that covers everything in a white freshness. And we come into spring feeling on top of the world. Nothing can stop us. The world is fixin’ to bloom. Spring is here! We have dealt with our issues and life is awesome…….and then those freakin’ weeds pop up again. And we are mad and frustrated and grumpy and a few other ill-tempered dwarves from Snow White. And we just don’t understand why those stupid, invasive, time sucking, soul sucking weeds are back.

Weeds suck.

Life struggles suck.

So today I noticed some similarities between weeds and life struggles…..

1. You have to work hard to pull up the weeds.

You can’t just look out your window and be mad at the weeds and wish they weren’t there and make them disappear. You can try just mowing over them and make them go away. And for a day they will look like nice freshly mowed grass. But the next day they are back with a vengeance and have spread their demon weed seed everywhere and then their buddies start growing. And you were worse off than you were just a couple days ago. You can use Round Up. You can use vinegar. You can try to poison them, dry them out, mow over them….but the ONLY way to get rid of a weed is to pull it up…. root and all.

The same goes with struggles in life.

You have to be brutal. Banish that thing. Rip it out of your life….root and all. You can’t wish away your struggles. You can’t ignore them. You can try to cover them up for a while but they are usually going to come back worse. You can try a thousand self help ideas to try and poison them out of your life. But they only way to get rid of them is to pull them up…root and all.

Oh…and pulling weeds is HARD. The root always breaks on me when I’m doing it by hand. But when I have my trusty, awesome weed hound…up it comes, root and all. The weed hound and I work together. I can’t deal with my struggles in my life alone. I may work on it and work on it but I will miss getting the whole root of the struggle. I need a weed hound! Y’all…… God is my weed hound!!! 😉

2. You have to go out every spring and pull those mean, nasty, ugly, evil, stupid weeds up. If you worked hard the year before, you will likely have tons less to deal with…..but those pesky stragglers are there. Maybe the root broke off last year. Maybe it was tiny last year and I just missed it. But there it is.

The same goes with struggles in life.

You claim a victory once but that doesn’t mean you are necessarily done with it. An alcoholic is never again not an alcoholic. They are a recovering alcoholic. The cancer patient is never again a person who has never had cancer in their life. They are a cancer survivor. The struggles may be less and less as times goes on because you have put in the work and attention and prayer you need for healing. But from time to time you have to do a “weed check” in your life to make sure those old struggles aren’t creeping up again.

3. Your weed count in your yard often reflects where you live. Ok…so we have precious neighbors on all sides of us but when it comes to yards, we have one side who keeps their yard up and one side who just really does not. The Gardeners love on their yard. They take care of it and plant and weed and fertilize. The plant beautiful flowers and shower the neighborhood with botanical love. Then we have the NonGardeners on the other side. They basically mow over the weeds. Gardening is just not their thing and that’s fine for their house. But how our neighbors take care of their yards dramatically reflects in the amount of weeds we have in our yard. The side of our yard next to the Gardener’s….practically weed free. I pull just a few up each year. There are some on the edge of the sidewalk from dogs walking by to leave and read pee-mail…but for the most part….very, very few weeds. It’s just not really an issue. But then on the NonGardener’s side…weed-a-palooza, y’all. I spend hours every year fighting weeds because the weed seed from their yard blows into ours…… and it sucks.

The same goes for struggles in life.

If you are surrounding yourself with people who sow weeds in their lives…..baby, you gonna have weeds in yours and you are going to struggle and struggle trying to pull them out of your life. If you are surrounding yourselves with people who take care and sow good things…..you are likely to do the same. I love the Gardeners AND the NonGardeners and am neighborly to both. But when it comes to having an influence on my life….the Gardeners it is!

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-9, Paul talks about having a thorn in his flesh. That thorn has been debated for centuries. What was it? Honestly, we don’t need to know what that thorn was. We just need to know that it was there. There was something weedy and thorny that grated on him for years and years. And he asked God to take it away. God’s response? “My grace if sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness”.

God knew Paul had weeds. God knows we have weeds. He gives us wisdom to deal with them. He gives us His Word, chocked full of life is a garden references. He wants us to study and learn and heal and have victory. But He also knows our frustrations. He knows when we are tired of pulling those life weeds that we thought we had already killed. And He says the same thing to us….

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.

God is my weed hound.

Using your scars

How do you kill cancer?

There are four ways.

You cut it out. You poison it. You burn it. And then after all that, you have to wisely assume there are still invisible cells might be still lurking around and you take medication to starve those suckers until they die a painful, horrible, emaciated death.

All these things leave scars.

I have physical scars on my body that will never disappear. My skin on my stomach and breasts has been forever altered because of my battle with cancer. It will never look the same as it did originally. I will never again have my original breasts but will have these odd creations. I will never again have nipples but will instead have crazy pants oval scars. I will never have my original belly button but will have a surgical, scarred bellybutton-esque creation. I will never have a scar-free stomach but will look like I was cut in half. I have scars in the form of lymphedema in my left arm that causes swelling and heaviness and aching and pain. I will never again be able to do all the things exactly the way I used to do them because it causes the lymphedema to flare up causing me to have to wear my compression sleeve to slow down and temporarily stop the pain.

I have “scars” inside my body from the chemo that poisoned the cancer. My energy doesn’t look like it used to. My brain and thoughts and smarts ain’t what they used to be. I will never internally be the same as I was originally.

I have burn scars both inside and out from radiation. I have darkened patches of skin on my front and back. I will forever have to protect that skin from the elements differently than the rest of my skin. I have internal scarring called radiation fibrosis. My muscles and fibers are scarred and will never stretch and act like they did originally.

And after putting my body through chemo, radiation and surgery, I will, for half a decade, take medication to starve any lingering cells of evil from their hormone snacks. And because of this medication, I have daily reminders of my battle, from having to physically take that stupid little pill to the joint pain side effects that can cause me to barely be able to walk at times. During this half-decade, I will also have infusions twice a year to battle the effects of the medication on my bones and keep them from becoming dangerously weak.

But…….I have victory. I am cancer free.

(And I know not everyone can say that. I know there are other warriors who did not or will not get their healing on this side of Heaven. They have their scars but they also have their victory too. One of the most valiant warriors I have ever known is a tiny in stature but giant in spice little Texas lady named Brenda. Because of cancer, Brenda has already moved to her new home in Heaven. But anyone who knows Brenda knows she is victorious. That precious little woman taught me many things but I think the thing I will never forget is her showing me the victory of dying well.)

You can’t walk through a major life storm or fight a massive battle and come through without scars.

And that’s ok.

I don’t want to be who I used to be.  Yes, I miss some things and body parts.  Yes, the last year and a half has been the most painful of my life.  But I am a different person now than I was then.  I am stronger, more wise, more empathetic, more loving, more focused.

My scars are reminders of my battle every second of every day. But nineteen months after my diagnosis, I no longer daily feel like a cancer patient. I still do at times. Doctor appointments, more surgeries, infusions…. all those make me feel like a cancer patient. And I hate feeling like a cancer patient. Feelings….emotional scars. Yep, they are a thing from this battle too.

Do I want all these scars?

Of course not.

BUT, they are part of me and part of my story and part of my life whether I like it or not.

And I have a choice.

I can choose to live with them and use them as a reminder of how far I have come and use them as a way to help others

OR

I can choose to hate them and wish they were never there.

But I can’t make them go away. They are there no matter what I choose to do with them.

What do your scars look like?

Every one of us fights battles. Every one of us goes through storms. Oh, you may not be in one right now but you will be at some point.

Jesus Himself tells us that fact. “You will have suffering in this world.” John 16:33

Your suffering may not look like mine. Your suffering may be a different kind of physical malady, a wayward child, an adulterous spouse, an addiction, a loss of a loved one, a loss of a job, a loss of a home, an unfounded public attack on your character….the list can go on and on.

But we don’t compare hard.

Well, pause…..slight amendment to that statement.  I had a friend lovingly point out to me the other day…. we don’t compare real hard. It is foolishness to compare cancer to the power going out for a day and losing your favorite t.v. shows and maybe some groceries in the fridge. It is absurdity to compare the realization of a husband who had an affair to having an argument with a stranger in the parking lot who yelled nasty words at us and made us feel bad and ruined our day. Some things in life we need to let roll off our backs and just get over it instead of finding “hard” and offense in every little thing (but that’s a totally different blog). But those big storms….I don’t care what the storm is named….hard is hard. And hard causes scars.

What do we do with scars?

Do we sit, sad and hurting, wishing the storm and scars never happened and daydreaming about going back to how life used to be?

Do we hide the storm, and bury the pain and pretend that the scars don’t exist?

Or do we take those scars and use them as reminders to be courageous and remind us that we won a battle and survived a storm.

I think Jesus prefers that last use of the scars.

That earlier quote about suffering in the world….it’s the painful filling in an otherwise delicious scripture Oreo.

John 16:33 says “I have told you these things SO THAT IN ME YOU MAY HAVE PEACE. You will have suffering in this world. BE COURAGEOUS! I HAVE CONQUERED THE WORLD.” (Huge, capital lettering….all me. That’s how I read this verse, my warrior friends).

Peace.

Courage.

Conquering (i.e. winning that battle)

That’s what I want. That’s what I have. And I don’t have it because of me. I don’t have it because, as some people have suggested, I am such a strong person (Seriously y’all, I’m really not). I don’t have it because I am spicy and outgoing and bold (Ok, yeah, I kinda am).

I have it because I know Jesus and those are gifts He gives me…and He gives all of us who accept those gifts.

That cancer…it wasn’t mine. I will never use the words “my cancer”. I didn’t want it. I don’t own it. Cancer can suck it.

But the scars….they are there whether I like it or not… so I am going to choose to use them to make the devil and cancer regret ever messing with me.  I am going to choose to use them to encourage others who are going through any kind of raging storm and to be able to empathize with them through the fight.  I am going to use those scars as reminders of what is important in life and what is not.  My scars have made me very dangerous to fear and hatred and evil.  I kinda like being dangerous. 🙂

Battled hardened warriors have scars.

I have scars….and so do you…..

What are you going to do with your battle and your scars?

Twas 12 days before Christmas

12 days! Only 12 days until Christmas!!! It’s easy to freak out! It’s easy to look at the insane list of a bazillion things to do before the big day. It’s easy to get stressed during a season that is meant to relieve stress.

BUT

God with us

That is who we are celebrating. It’s Jesus’ birthday! He came to set the captives free!!!! FREEDOM! Free from sin, free from bondage.

Bondage, that is where stress comes from, friends.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in all the things to do.

And that’s what bondage is…getting so wrapped up that you can’t smile, laugh, love or breathe.

And yes, you can get wrapped up in the glitter and wrapping paper and tinsel in life just as easily as you can get wrapped up the uglier things in life.

So I have something to add to your to do list. NOOOOO!!! More to do….yep….one more thing, but this one thing is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you will do all day.

MAKE time EVERY DAY for you and Jesus!

You can’t have freedom unless you know the one who holds the keys to unlock the prison.

What do you do during that time? It’s up to you.

• Listen to a Christmas song that is actually about Jesus.
• Sit with a cup of coffee and read a chapter of the gospel of Luke, or a Christmas book (I’ll put a list of the ones I read every year at the bottom of this). Even if you have littles, you can train them that if Mommy has a cup of coffee in her hand they may not touch her or interrupt her (I know this can work because I did this with the Marsh monkeys!).
• Lay in bed with your eyes closed, pretending that you are still asleep 🙂 but spending time talking with God.
• Make sure your kids will be safe and then lock yourself in the bathroom and talk to God for a few minutes.
• Take time during your lunch break at work to read in your Bible or an Advent devotional.
• Go for an evening walk, by yourself and talk to Him

Whatever it is, make the decision to do it! Every day! Let’s just start with the 12 days until Christmas. Commit to spend time with Him every day for these 12 days.

It’s worth it!

The rest of the stuff…it will get taken care of. The cookies will get baked, the presents will get wrapped, you will figure out that present for the one family member you are dreading buying a present for ;-), the elf will get moved (and if he doesn’t…ain’t no thang). And if those things don’t get done….who cares?!?!?!?!?

Focus on Jesus. It’s His birthday anyway!

In the Marsh Big Top, when it’s your birthday, it’s ALL about you. You make the decisions. You choose the meal. You get to pick what we watch on t.v.  You don’t have to do any chores.  It’s ALL about YOU!

What if we made Jesus’s birthday all about Him?

What if He got to pick everything? What would that look like in your house?  Would that change anything in your home or your plans as you gear up for these last 12 days before His birthday?

May it be so!

I love the glitter and the sparkles and the decorations and the smells and the lights and the movies and songs and….and….and.  I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!

But may I never forget why we have Christmas!  I pray that all our next few weeks will be filled with wonder and joy and peace and JESUS!

*******************

Here is a list of my favorite books to read during Christmas time. Some are advent devotionals and some are books that you can just read a chapter each day. They are a little longer than a devo but…. oh so good.

“The Greatest Gift” Ann Voskamp
“Because of Bethlehem” Max Lucado
“On This Holy Night: The Heart of Christmas” little book, multiple authors
“Christmas Stories” Max Lucado
“The Miracle of Christmas” Stormie OMartin

Desolate Woman

Let me just start by saying, I know I am going to get drawn an quartered by many Christians for saying this, but I have a HUGE problem with David.  You know, King David…the big dog.  The killer of giants, the warrior, the poet, the singer, the psalm writer.  The man after God’s own heart.  Y’all when I read my Bible, the man after God’s own heart was kind of a wank.

Now before you get the tar and feathers out, hear me for a second.  David had an open, naked, amazing relationship with God.  He LOVED the Lord.  He did.  But he did NOT love his family or friends well AT ALL.  It has bothered me for years that often, especially young men in the church, grab on to the person of David and love his stories because in those stories, yes, they learn to love the Lord but they also learn horrible ways to treat the people they should love.  And come on y’all, let’s be real, church folk got problems just like everyone else and we don’t always do a great job loving others.

I’ve been teaching through the women in David’s life.  That has NOT made me like David more.  As a matter of fact, it has made me like him even less.  Like, when I get to Heaven, I kinda want to have a looooonnnggg talk with David about how not to be a wank.  And God and I have talked about David…..a lot.  And I have struggled with how such a horrible man could also be a man after God’s own heart.  And God and I are still talking.

But today…..today I learned to shift my focus.

Today I finished studying Tamar (2 Samuel 13), daughter of David who was raped by her half brother, avenged by her brother (who incidentally also hushed Tamar up (2 Samuel 13:20)), and ignored by her father.

Y’all this is my LEAST favorite story in the Bible.  I HATE this story.  I hate that this happened (and yes, still does happen these days).  But, I will say, it’s stories like these that make me know that I know that the Bible is real.  Find me a human on the planet who creates a religion and then is willing to share this story with no neat, pretty bow on the end.  This story makes humans look evil, pathetic, lame, stupid, and lots of other words I want to say but won’t.

But God uses the stories to show us that even in our wank-dom, He still loves.  He is bigger.

God uses this story to remind us that just because something horrific happens to a person, they didn’t always have it coming.

Oh come on….. let’s be real here.  A lot of the time as Christians we look at the world and see people and secretly think…..

Homeless……lazy

Divorced.….cold and hateful and drove them away

Sickness…..must have some unconfessed sin in their life

Tragedy..….again, they must be doing something bad that no one but God knows about

Yes, there are times where we get what’s coming to us, but we have defaulted to believe that is the norm.  Y’all sometimes big, stinky, smelly, horrific crap happens to people because it just happens not because of what that person has done.

So here’s my focus shift.  I was sitting here getting more and more mad at Amnon, Absalom and David….and then I remembered Jesus.  (It’s funny how when we are mad at others we can forget Jesus)  So I asked how would Jesus have responded to Tamar?  And everything changed.

David may have been a man after God’s own heart but Jesus is fully God and fully man.  It’s how Jesus does things that I should learn from and not David.  And when you look at stories of Jesus and women (and there are a lot) they are always full of love, and acceptance and HEALING and grace and mercy.

There’s the first part of this blog……..

So how did I get to the title of this blog “Desolate Woman”

“So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in the house of her brother Absalom” 2 Samuel 13:20b

That SUCKS!  That should not be!  That BREAKS MY HEART!!!!

Desolate woman (or man)

I know desolate women (and men) and I do NOT want them to be desolate women (or men) !!!!

I do NOT want to be a desolate woman!!!!

So here’ the second part of this blog…..

If you have had awful things happen to you in your life.  If you had no control over what was done to you.  If you are living in pain and shame and hurt

First of all.  I am SO, SO, SO, SO SORRY!

A lot of the stupid things in my life were my own dang fault.  Cancer is not.  Cancer is what is trying to turn me into a desolate woman.  I didn’t choose it.  I didn’t cause it.  It’s just there trying to kill me.  So although I might not understand your specific pain.  I understand.

Here’s what I know.

I WILL NOT BECOME A DESOLATE WOMAN!

How?  How do I choose to not become a desolate woman?

Only with Jesus.

“Only God’s healing and mercy and grace can restore our sense of self worth and provide a fresh beginning” Every Woman in The Bible pg 134

So….if you are a desolate woman (or man)…..PLEASE ask God to bring restoration and grace and self worth and fresh beginnings that only He can bring.  The world can’t.  Self help can’t.  Only He can.  He will!  I know this in my bones.

If you know a desolate woman (or man)…..PLEASE stop judging (if you are), reach out and hold her (his) hand and lift her (him) up and introduce her (him) to God who brings restoration and grace and self worth and fresh beginnings.

And if you are in danger of becoming a desolate woman (or man)…. PLEASE join me in SCREAMING, NO!  PLEASE CHOOSE to focus on the Warrior during the battle.  His strength is what carries me through.

We are NO LONGER DESOLATE!

And David…..some day, we’ll chat.

 

 

 

My biggest fear

I have cancer.

This is my biggest fear. This has been my biggest fear my whole life. Ever since I was a little 4 year old girl and my mama died, this has been the fear, my fear. The fear that I would get cancer and I would leave my kids and my husband when my kids are young and when my husband and I have too many more adventures we need to have together.

Last Friday I was diagnosed with stage 2a, grade 2 intermediate breast cancer.

Air sucked from my lungs

Heart shattered

Cancer sucks. Cancer is the devil in fatty, invasive, possessed, evil tumor form.

With the nurse’s words “Well honey, it’s not good news”, my reality, my world, my life was forever altered. Cancer is now not just what took my mom. Cancer is in me. I have cancer. I will always be either a cancer patient….AND a cancer survivor.

I have battled fear my whole life. It usually has had to do with fear of, well, not death….

It’s the fear of not living.

I’m not afraid of death.

I’m not.

I know a secret. I know Jesus.

I know that when my time on Earth is done, I’m going to Heaven. I know I have my mama and 3 of my sweet babies and friends and relatives waiting in Heaven. And it’s going to be AMAZING when I get to see them. But I’m not ready yet. I know I was not made for this world, I was made for that one. And honestly, a lot of the time, I don’t even like this world. This world is a hot damn mess…..but dang do I love the people in it and I’m not ready to leave them.

I have always been afraid of not being there. Not seeing my kids graduate, get married, have babies. Not getting to go on those trips my Sparky and I have dreamed of and planned for. Not getting to teach Bible study and minister to amazing women. I love being a part of things. I love the experiences. I love the relationships. I love life and want to keep living it.

And fear, that little bastard, has kept me trapped from what I love.

When my crazy, smelly, sticky kids were smaller and chubbier and snugglier 😉 I would go into their rooms to watch them breathe. I would stand there and count breaths. I would leave on an inhale because fear told me if I left on an exhale I was watching their last breath. How messed up is that?

About 7-8 years ago I remember standing in the hallway in between their three bedrooms and finally reaching my breaking point and telling God that I couldn’t do it any more. I couldn’t take the fear. Those kids aren’t mine anyway. They belong to Him. And I asked him to take the fear away…..and He did.

HE DID!

You would think I would have learned my lesson. And I did in a ton of areas of my life. Fear was gone from my life…..

But cancer was different. That fear remained….until now.

You know, the crazy thing is that once your biggest fear is realized, it’s not longer a fear of what might be because it’s reality. So in a really weird way fear loses. I can no longer be afraid of getting cancer….because I have cancer.

So here’s the thing. Fear sucks. S.U.C.K.S. Sucks BIG DONKEY BUTTS!

And honestly, 40 paralyzing years of fear of possible cancer…..for me, worse than the diagnosis of cancer.

Fear is not of God! It’s just not. The Bible even tell us that.

“There is no fear in love; instead perfect love drives out fear because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19

God is love. There is no fear in love. Therefore fear is not of God. He didn’t make it. He doesn’t give it to me. He doesn’t want it in my life any more than I do.

So what do we do with fear?

I wish I had a bullet point list.

3 easy steps for getting rid of fear

Step 1. Never do anything risky.

Step 2. Never love anything you could lose.

Step 3. Control every single aspect of your life with such a choking death grip that no one around you can breathe.

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Who wants to be that person? An unloving, boring control freak who sucks the life out of her husband and kids but to the rest of the world she looks like the girl who has it all together because she’s “in control” of her life.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Control is a lie. It just is. We live in such a control freak society that we have ourselves convinced that we can control everything….and we can’t. But that’s another blog for another time

So if my awesome bullet point list isn’t going to work, what will?

Make a choice.

But Kristin, that’s not DOING anything!!!

I beg to differ. It’s doing everything!

CHOOSE to give it to God. Let Him take it away. And then when you find your mind going down that well worn, creepy lookin’, haunted forest appearing path of fear you CHOOSE to give it to Him again. And again. And again. Until you have chosen to give it to Him so many times that you instinctively, organically, finally get that first breath of sweet, amazing freedom.

FREEDOM

See, fear isn’t just a liar. Fear is also a jailer.

Fear places prison bars in our lives. Prison bars that control our lives. Isn’t it ironic that our soul sucking, breath stealing, relationship killing control freak tendencies born out of our personal fears actually control us.

So fear…..you’re gone.

I’m kickin’ cancer’s ass. I’m kicking fear’s ass……Kristin Marsh style!

Mrs. Pilate

Good Friday.  Most people miss it.  Most everybody knows about Easter.  Whether you celebrate Easter with a big bunny and a crap ton of candy and eggs or you celebrate Easter as the day Jesus defeated death, you probably remember Easter every year.  But Good Friday…unless you are in a denomination that celebrates Holy Week, you might just miss it.  Easter Sunday is big and bright and full of family and church and tradition.  It’s a holiday.  Good Friday…sadly…not so much.  But there is so much to Good Friday.  So many things to remember.  So much pain to sort through.  An arrest.  An illegal trial.  A rag tag group of disciples scared whitless.  A guy named Peter and a rooster crowing.  Pilate.  Jesus.  Cross. Thieves.  Roman soldiers.  Darkness.  Death.  Earthquake.  Torn veil.  Sadness. Questions. Pain.

But most people who do remember Good Friday still miss an insanely important person on that day.

Mrs. Pilate.

Who?

Yep.  Mrs. Pilate.

It seems she was almost forgotten in the Word as well.  But God saw fit to have Matthew, a tax collector turned people fisherman, add one sentence to his side of the story.  One line.  One thought.  But I bet it made a difference to Jesus.  She was important to Him.

“While he (Pilate) was sitting on the judge’s bench, his wife sent word to him.  ‘Have nothing to do with that righteous man, for today I’ve suffered terribly in a dream because of Him!'” Matthew 27:19 (bold letters are in the New International Texas girl living in Colorado version)

Mrs. Pilate had some guts y’all.  She sent a servant to interrupt her husband at work.  Not just at work.  In a meeting.  Not just a meeting.  A trial.  Not just a trial. A trial of a man who everybody knew or had at least heard stories. And those stories were shocking.  It’s like your husband is the CEO and you send the secretary to interrupt the biggest meeting of the year to tell him your opinion of the other guy in the room.  I may be a strong, opinionated Texas woman who is married to a wise and compassionate man, but I don’t even have the guts to do that.

She did.

And what exactly did she say?

She knew He was righteous.  She knew He was undeserving of what was happening to Him.  She had suffered because of a dream and was affected so strongly, she didn’t care about proper etiquette.  She had to stand up for this man.

She was the only one y’all.

Not the disciples.  Not the Sanhedrin.  Not the people.

No one else but Mrs. Pilate.

“In the whole history of the Passion of Christ no one pleads for Him but a woman, the wife of a heathen governor, the deputy of the emperor of the world.” Wadsworth

She wasn’t even temple-folk (church-folk to you and me)…but she stood up for Him.  (Don’t even get me started on church-folk, we could be here for hours.  But main thought…we church-folk need to look and act a lot less like church-folk and a lot more like Jesus.  Yep, I’m lookin’ at me too!)

I have to wonder.   Did Jesus overhear the servant telling Pilate?  If He did, what did He do?  Did it warm His heart?  Did God use her boldness to remind Jesus man that He had not forsaken His One and Only Son?

I’m SURE Jesus didn’t shun her or what she said because she wasn’t church-folk.

Legend says she might have become a Jewish convert.  Legend also says she became a Follower after His death and resurrection.  I hope so.

Legend calls her things…

I call her brave.  I call her a voice.  I hope to meet her in Heaven someday.  I want to hear her whole story.  I want to know word for word, exactly what happened in that dream.  I want to know the look in Jesus’ eyes when they met face to face.

And between now and that moment when I get to meet her…I want to be like her and not care about proper etiquette

and…

I want to stand strong for “that righteous man”.

Once again Christians eat their own…

Here we go….I am writing to my Christian peeps….Alright y’all…The Jen Hatmaker thing…Are we SERIOUSLY going to do this???  The headlines are going to start reading “Christians maim, kill and eat their own” story at 11.  So basically very popular Christian blogger, author and speaker Jen Hatmaker came out in support of gay marriage and Christians are FLIPPING OUT and boycotting her left and right.  Dang are we as a group good at instant freak out or what??? 

 

Here’s the thing….we wonder why the world sees us as bigoted, screaming lunatics who don’t love anyone who doesn’t think the exact same way we do.  The church is scrambling to figure out why people are running for the hills as fast as their little legs can carry them to get away from us.  THIS IS WHY!!!  Ok, deep breath…. I don’t agree with Jen and her husband’s interpretation of scripture.  I believe the Bible is very clear on the subject of homosexuality.  Now WAIT….if you don’t agree with me, please read on!  Don’t judge and freak out and start screaming and spitting at me…just chill a sec and hear me out.  I believe the Bible is clear on the matter.  I DO NOT  however believe that the Bible teaches Christians to go on hate rampages and run people in the LGBT community off.  That’s not what God is about.  God is about LOVE.  He is LOVE!  Homosexuality has become the “sin de jure” these days in terms of hate from the Christian community.  Oh we rant and rage when this comes up…but then we totally look the other way at our own who deal with raging, hateful anger or pornography or emotional or physical abuse of family or substance abuse or self abuse of our bodies or child abandonment or using “the flock” for personal excessive monetary gain or treating the world like “it’s all about me” or any other thing in the world that is helping us miss the mark for God’s will for our lives.   We get our pink lacy thongs all in a twist…wait…good Christian girls don’t wear those….we get our granny panties all in a twist  so dang easily. 

 

Here’s the thing…We CAN LOVE EVERYONE AND NOT LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM AND THEIR LIVES!  Y’all, my husband loves me.  Of this I have NO doubt.  But I’ve been with the man for over 20 years…I KNOW he does not love everything about me.  I’m a work in progress.  I get to be perfect on the other side….not here.  I am not 100% loveable.  No one is.   But here’s the thing…He does not kick me out of the house.  He does not tell me I am no longer welcome.  He does not refuse to sit next to me at church.  He does not hate me and ignore me.  He does not tell me I am going to hell because I am not perfect.  So why are we doing these things and treating people like we can only love them if we totally agree with them and they totally agree with us?  And why do people think love has to include loving every single thing about them?  It doesn’t.  Jesus loved…He loved the imperfect…no matter.  He loved.

 

So, I beg you, stop hatin’ on Jen!  If you’ve read her husband’s post you can see their heart and the amount of time and study and prayer before they came to this decision.  I have to honor and respect that because so many of us just take the chewed up, spoon fed messages we hear from church or listening to messages online or reading blogs and we don’t commit ourselves to study of God’s Word for ourselves and then really taking the time and wrestling with issues.   The Hatmakers did.  And even if I don’t agree this time, I applaud them and still agree on many things they do believe. 

 

I am not God (thank the good Lord above)…You are not God (again, all praise to Him).  We need to stop thinking that we are because when we do we spread a MESSED UP message about Him.  AND although I believe I am right, stranger things have happened than me being wrong.  So what if I am wrong about this interpretation of scripture and Jen is right…Well, at least I loved through it and was not wrong and a total jerk.

 

God is God.  God is love

 

This is what we are called to friends….love.  So I beg you…please…love people.

And Jen, if you happen to read my little peanuts nothing of a blog please know that there are folk who are not embracing this season of insanity no matter if we agree or not.  You are loved

 

SAHM vs Working Mama

Why is it that we women are so quick to judge each other when we hear of other’s “career path life choices”?

Let me start by saying I have been 3 different women in 3 different stages in my life as a mama.  I have been a full time working mama.  I have been a part time working mama (this is where I have spent most of my time) and I have been and currently am a stay at home mama (SAHM).

So….I have some experience.  Let’s just say as the days pass by and things on me sag more and turn more gray, I am becoming more well seasoned and less and less tolerant of how mean we ladies can be to one another.

Why is the question on the table in my life today?  Well, because I went to the store and the lady working there who was at check out asked if I had the day off (It’s an inner beauty day y’all and it’s a lucky thing I got teeth brushed and deodorant on).  To this I responded “No, I am at SAHM” and she said “OH!!!  Then EVERY day is a day off for you”.

PAUSE….BREATHE….

Y’all who know me would be proud.  Fire did not shoot out of my nose and incinerate the poor soul.  I did not totally loose my stuff but I did stand there and lecture her for just a little while on what being a SAHM means…and then I headed home to clean bathrooms.

So I am back to WHY????

And so I’m going to chat for a while….

Working women…can I get a big HELL YEAH!  Ladies, I love y’all!  I adore y’all!  I was y’all!  I apologize for the part of the SAHM community who judges you and secretly thinks it means you don’t love your kids as much as the SAHM community does.  That is a smelly load of bull that BEVO himself poops out before Texas games.

I KNOW how much you love your baby(ies).  I know many of you want to be home but are working because it’s the difference between food on the table or having a home to go home to.  I know many of you work because God just didn’t make you a SAHM kind of gal and you would be a mom on the news if you had to deal with those little lovies of yours terrorizing the house all day, every day.

I know that some of you have husbands who bust their tails in a job but need you to work to make ends meet, and some have husbands who just can’t or won’t work.  I know some of y’all don’t have husbands to share the heavy load.   I applaud you for being able to handle a job, whether it be full or part time and all the responsibilities at home.

Ladies, never ever ever let anyone make you to believe that you aren’t raising your kids.  You ARE!  I used to get so irritated when someone from the SAHM population would say “Well, I just couldn’t let someone else raise my kids.”  That is elitist, snobby mom crap!  You are those kids mama and whether you are there all day or not, you are the ones who speak into their lives and raise them to be the people they will become.

Alright fellow SAHMs…stand up and give a HOLLA shout because y’all ROCK!  I also love y’all!  I also adore y’all!  I also is one of y’all! I apologize for the part of the working mom community who believes that we sit at home and watch t.v. and eat bon bons all day long.

I applaud y’all’s ability to deal with irrational (although adorable) terrorists every day.  I applaud y’all for all the countless hours of rocking and reading and cleaning and booger wiping and food all over the house cleaning up and reading again and again and again..the same book 5 billion times in one day.  I applaud you for being able to shower or go to the bathroom with people screaming in the back ground or with little fingers wiggling at you from under the door.  I applaud you being able to hear the words “Mom, Mama or Mommy” said or shouted over 1000 times in a day and yet you have not ended up a mom on the news.

For those of y’all who hold the titles of SAHM for school age kids, I applaud y’all for everything that you do for your family that is never seen because they are all outside the house during the day and assume that fairies must come and make your house beautiful.  I applaud y’all for pouring into your families lives and I know lots of y’all who take on the roll of mentor to younger mamas during some of those “empty house” hours of the day.  You are changing the world by pouring your life and heart and experience into younger mamas and I HONOR you!

I apologize for the part of the working women who truly believe that you don’t work….Sister, YOU DO!!!!  I applaud you for being the wife, the mama, the cook, the house cleaner, the homework tutor, the dog washer, the grocery shopper, the house administrator, the pastor, the nurse, the counselor, the psychiatrist, the disciplinarian, the hugger, the laundry lady, financial planner, the volunteer, the mentor, and ALL the other jobs that you do that are encompassed in your SAHM title.  I applaud y’all for being in the only 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year job that exists.

Do NOT EVER believe that you are not accomplished or that your life is being wasted.  Ladies, the fact that you have the opportunity to stay at home to run your house is a blessing and it is world changing!  I am thankful EVERY DAY to my husband who busts his hot little tochie and because of his hard work has been blessed with an amazing job that provides for our family so that I CAN stay home.

So ladies…let’s stop saying stupid crap to other women in whose shoes we do not walk.  Let’s help a Sista out and give an encouraging word to her instead.  Let’s stop judging each other and have each other’s back.  Do y’all have ANY idea of how much better our world would be if we would support each other and love each other and listen to each other?

Alright…rant done….I have a house to vacuum.

Winning the Race

It is THAT time of year again.  It is that time of year that teachers and students are d.o.n.e, DONE.  It is that time of year again that we read the OMG, hilarious “Worst End of Year Parent Ever” blog by Jen Hatmaker and some yell a resounding “YES SISTER!”  It is the time of year where the days get sunnier and warmer and prettier and lots of parents, especially moms, are done with the homework helping, lunch packing, and the school function attending rig-a-maroll that comes with the school year.  We are ready for summer!  BRING IT ON!

BUT (yeah, if you know me, you knew there was a “but” comin’)…here’s the thing…I know the “I’m over it” feeling.  I totally understand that after being cooped up in a house for a few months because the weather outside is frightful, we just want to go outside and run and play. I understand being brain drained.  I understand spring fever.  I understand senioritis.  I’ve been there.  Heck, I is there… But I also understand the importance of endurance and finishing.

WHAT???  Come on you crazy blogging, kill joy lady!  Endurance and Finishing???

Yep, endurance and finishing.

These two things are so important that Paul talks about the in the Bible, MULTIPLE times.  Paul???  Yep…Paul…that dude that heard from God a ton, and wrote it down, and it makes up most of our New Testament…that Paul.

Fight the good fight   1 Timothy 6:12

Fight the battle well  1 Timothy 1:18

Finish the race  Acts 20:24

Run to WIN! 1 Corinthians 9:24

Yeah, I know Paul is talking about life, the good fight, the ultimate race and not about finishing the school year.  But…(there’s always a but!)

But here’s my question…

If I can’t finish the school year well and I can’t teach my kids how to finish the school year strong then how in the world can I teach myself and my kids how to run the race of life and finish it strong…finish it well.

OUCH!

If I want to finish things well…well..then I have to FINISH THINGS and CHOOSE to finish them well.  If I want my kids to learn how to finish well…well…then I better teach them how, because the world sure ain’t teaching them this skill.

So here’s my challenge to all my burnt out friends (and I be talkin’ to me too).  To all those in blog-land who want to pull up a chair and have a glass of wine with Jen Hatmaker (who wouldn’t) and discuss the woes of the sucky end of school season. (An aside, I do LOVE Hatmaker’s blogs and books.  She is so so so good lots of the time…she knows she ain’t perfect, just like I know I ain’t perfect….we’re just not on the same wave length on this one…and that’s OK!)

The challenge is….FINISH WELL!  Buck up campers!  It doesn’t matter if we want school to end or not…it’s only a matter of time before it does.  We can’t control how fast or slow the days move.  We can’t control what day it is on the calendar.  We can’t control lot of things (and that’s a whole ‘notha blog)…

BUT (there’s that but again)

We can control how we live out the next few weeks.  We can control what we show our kids.  We can control our actions and our words and our attitudes.  (Yeah, the attitude one is hard for me too).

Let’s teach these rascals the good Lord entrusted to us how to not just hang on by a thread and endure the pain of a season we don’t like.  Let’s teach these rascals how to RUN, how to THRIVE, how to FINISH STRONG.  Let’s model to our kids what God has called us to do.

We might be suckin’ wind at the end…

But dang if it won’t be a ridiculous, glorious feeling to go pounding over that finish line running like Phoebe from Friends, with a big ol’ goofy, proud smile on our faces. (And imagine the grins from those rascals…melt your momma heart)

FINISH STRONG!

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a choice thang

The word CHOICE has been showing up in my life a lot lately.  It’s showed up in Bible study.  It’s showed up in raising 3 kids.  It’s showed up in every single aspect of life.

CHOICE

I have a choice.

I can choose to drag my butt out of bed in the morning even though I am tired and the bed is oh so snuggly, buggly, comfy.

I can choose to brush my teeth (and all I know shout a rousing “AMEN” that I have chosen to do so)

I can choose to eat breakfast or to not to.  I can choose junk food or good for me food. (My mouth wants the junk food, but my butt wants to not knock lamps off of tables as I walk by – so Grapenuts it is)

I can choose to require that my children get ready and go to school.  (Is it really a choice or is it more a sanity for the mama thing?)  I can choose to make them a lunch or jut wish them good luck as I kick them out the door. (Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya…Marsh monkeys…out!)

I can choose to sit down each morning with my cup of coffee (after Jesus, coffee is God’s greatest gift to mothers) and sit down with my Bible and spend some time with my Lord.

I can choose to believe that He loves me or I can choose to believe He’s mad at me.

Afterwards I can choose to sit on the couch all day or I can choose to get up and clean my house. (It’s amazing how having 3 children at home for more than 5 minutes can make your house look like the Tasmanian devil from Bugs Bunny just had a heyday in your living room)

I can choose to run errands.  I can choose to go to the grocery store to get food for my family. (And I can choose to be a mean ol’ cuss to others in the store or I can choose to be thankful that God has provided so I can go grocery shopping)

I can choose to help or not help my kids with their homework (unless it’s Common Core math…never a choice…just pure evil)

I can choose to give my husband my full attention and be genuinely interested in his day at work. (You’ve heard “happy wife, happy life”? It’s the same for the hubby)

I can choose to cook dinner for my family. (Or deal with hangry terrorists later)

I can choose to force my children to bathe which includes soaping all parts so they don’t smell. (Thank you JESUS for indoor plumbing)

I can choose to stay up late or go to bed at a decent hour (But reruns of Friends are the BEST)

And then I have 5000 other choices I make every single day.

Here’s what I know.  Most of these choices won’t really affect my life in a huge way that particular day.  But when you add up a year of little good choices vs. little bad choices…well life looks a whole lot better when you’ve been making little good choice.

God was so bold as to create us with the ability to choose.  Oh, He could have just made us drooling robots that never had a choice but what’s the fun in that?  But with the gift of choice, He also gave consequences based on those choices.  Consequences are good and bad, my friends.  If I choose to love and adore and honor and respect my man, I am going to have one heck of an awesome marriage and one heck of a happy man.  If I choose to nag and criticize him all the time, well…the brother ain’t gonna stick around too long.

We live in a day and age that tells us that what happens to us in our lives is not a culmination of our choices.  Well campers, I’m here to tell y’all….that’s a load of BULL!  We aren’t always going to choose well but we will choose…thousands of times a day.  Yes, sometimes we get smacked in the head with something bad that had nothing to do with us.  But even then, we have a choice…how am I going to respond?  Am I going to choose to stay knocked down or am I going to get up, dust myself off and make choices in my life that make the devil, every morning, say “Oh CRAP, she’s up”

You have a choice knockin’ at your door….make it a good one.