Using your scars

How do you kill cancer?

There are four ways.

You cut it out. You poison it. You burn it. And then after all that, you have to wisely assume there are still invisible cells might be still lurking around and you take medication to starve those suckers until they die a painful, horrible, emaciated death.

All these things leave scars.

I have physical scars on my body that will never disappear. My skin on my stomach and breasts has been forever altered because of my battle with cancer. It will never look the same as it did originally. I will never again have my original breasts but will have these odd creations. I will never again have nipples but will instead have crazy pants oval scars. I will never have my original belly button but will have a surgical, scarred bellybutton-esque creation. I will never have a scar-free stomach but will look like I was cut in half. I have scars in the form of lymphedema in my left arm that causes swelling and heaviness and aching and pain. I will never again be able to do all the things exactly the way I used to do them because it causes the lymphedema to flare up causing me to have to wear my compression sleeve to slow down and temporarily stop the pain.

I have “scars” inside my body from the chemo that poisoned the cancer. My energy doesn’t look like it used to. My brain and thoughts and smarts ain’t what they used to be. I will never internally be the same as I was originally.

I have burn scars both inside and out from radiation. I have darkened patches of skin on my front and back. I will forever have to protect that skin from the elements differently than the rest of my skin. I have internal scarring called radiation fibrosis. My muscles and fibers are scarred and will never stretch and act like they did originally.

And after putting my body through chemo, radiation and surgery, I will, for half a decade, take medication to starve any lingering cells of evil from their hormone snacks. And because of this medication, I have daily reminders of my battle, from having to physically take that stupid little pill to the joint pain side effects that can cause me to barely be able to walk at times. During this half-decade, I will also have infusions twice a year to battle the effects of the medication on my bones and keep them from becoming dangerously weak.

But…….I have victory. I am cancer free.

(And I know not everyone can say that. I know there are other warriors who did not or will not get their healing on this side of Heaven. They have their scars but they also have their victory too. One of the most valiant warriors I have ever known is a tiny in stature but giant in spice little Texas lady named Brenda. Because of cancer, Brenda has already moved to her new home in Heaven. But anyone who knows Brenda knows she is victorious. That precious little woman taught me many things but I think the thing I will never forget is her showing me the victory of dying well.)

You can’t walk through a major life storm or fight a massive battle and come through without scars.

And that’s ok.

I don’t want to be who I used to be.  Yes, I miss some things and body parts.  Yes, the last year and a half has been the most painful of my life.  But I am a different person now than I was then.  I am stronger, more wise, more empathetic, more loving, more focused.

My scars are reminders of my battle every second of every day. But nineteen months after my diagnosis, I no longer daily feel like a cancer patient. I still do at times. Doctor appointments, more surgeries, infusions…. all those make me feel like a cancer patient. And I hate feeling like a cancer patient. Feelings….emotional scars. Yep, they are a thing from this battle too.

Do I want all these scars?

Of course not.

BUT, they are part of me and part of my story and part of my life whether I like it or not.

And I have a choice.

I can choose to live with them and use them as a reminder of how far I have come and use them as a way to help others

OR

I can choose to hate them and wish they were never there.

But I can’t make them go away. They are there no matter what I choose to do with them.

What do your scars look like?

Every one of us fights battles. Every one of us goes through storms. Oh, you may not be in one right now but you will be at some point.

Jesus Himself tells us that fact. “You will have suffering in this world.” John 16:33

Your suffering may not look like mine. Your suffering may be a different kind of physical malady, a wayward child, an adulterous spouse, an addiction, a loss of a loved one, a loss of a job, a loss of a home, an unfounded public attack on your character….the list can go on and on.

But we don’t compare hard.

Well, pause…..slight amendment to that statement.  I had a friend lovingly point out to me the other day…. we don’t compare real hard. It is foolishness to compare cancer to the power going out for a day and losing your favorite t.v. shows and maybe some groceries in the fridge. It is absurdity to compare the realization of a husband who had an affair to having an argument with a stranger in the parking lot who yelled nasty words at us and made us feel bad and ruined our day. Some things in life we need to let roll off our backs and just get over it instead of finding “hard” and offense in every little thing (but that’s a totally different blog). But those big storms….I don’t care what the storm is named….hard is hard. And hard causes scars.

What do we do with scars?

Do we sit, sad and hurting, wishing the storm and scars never happened and daydreaming about going back to how life used to be?

Do we hide the storm, and bury the pain and pretend that the scars don’t exist?

Or do we take those scars and use them as reminders to be courageous and remind us that we won a battle and survived a storm.

I think Jesus prefers that last use of the scars.

That earlier quote about suffering in the world….it’s the painful filling in an otherwise delicious scripture Oreo.

John 16:33 says “I have told you these things SO THAT IN ME YOU MAY HAVE PEACE. You will have suffering in this world. BE COURAGEOUS! I HAVE CONQUERED THE WORLD.” (Huge, capital lettering….all me. That’s how I read this verse, my warrior friends).

Peace.

Courage.

Conquering (i.e. winning that battle)

That’s what I want. That’s what I have. And I don’t have it because of me. I don’t have it because, as some people have suggested, I am such a strong person (Seriously y’all, I’m really not). I don’t have it because I am spicy and outgoing and bold (Ok, yeah, I kinda am).

I have it because I know Jesus and those are gifts He gives me…and He gives all of us who accept those gifts.

That cancer…it wasn’t mine. I will never use the words “my cancer”. I didn’t want it. I don’t own it. Cancer can suck it.

But the scars….they are there whether I like it or not… so I am going to choose to use them to make the devil and cancer regret ever messing with me.  I am going to choose to use them to encourage others who are going through any kind of raging storm and to be able to empathize with them through the fight.  I am going to use those scars as reminders of what is important in life and what is not.  My scars have made me very dangerous to fear and hatred and evil.  I kinda like being dangerous. 🙂

Battled hardened warriors have scars.

I have scars….and so do you…..

What are you going to do with your battle and your scars?