My biggest fear

I have cancer.

This is my biggest fear. This has been my biggest fear my whole life. Ever since I was a little 4 year old girl and my mama died, this has been the fear, my fear. The fear that I would get cancer and I would leave my kids and my husband when my kids are young and when my husband and I have too many more adventures we need to have together.

Last Friday I was diagnosed with stage 2a, grade 2 intermediate breast cancer.

Air sucked from my lungs

Heart shattered

Cancer sucks. Cancer is the devil in fatty, invasive, possessed, evil tumor form.

With the nurse’s words “Well honey, it’s not good news”, my reality, my world, my life was forever altered. Cancer is now not just what took my mom. Cancer is in me. I have cancer. I will always be either a cancer patient….AND a cancer survivor.

I have battled fear my whole life. It usually has had to do with fear of, well, not death….

It’s the fear of not living.

I’m not afraid of death.

I’m not.

I know a secret. I know Jesus.

I know that when my time on Earth is done, I’m going to Heaven. I know I have my mama and 3 of my sweet babies and friends and relatives waiting in Heaven. And it’s going to be AMAZING when I get to see them. But I’m not ready yet. I know I was not made for this world, I was made for that one. And honestly, a lot of the time, I don’t even like this world. This world is a hot damn mess…..but dang do I love the people in it and I’m not ready to leave them.

I have always been afraid of not being there. Not seeing my kids graduate, get married, have babies. Not getting to go on those trips my Sparky and I have dreamed of and planned for. Not getting to teach Bible study and minister to amazing women. I love being a part of things. I love the experiences. I love the relationships. I love life and want to keep living it.

And fear, that little bastard, has kept me trapped from what I love.

When my crazy, smelly, sticky kids were smaller and chubbier and snugglier 😉 I would go into their rooms to watch them breathe. I would stand there and count breaths. I would leave on an inhale because fear told me if I left on an exhale I was watching their last breath. How messed up is that?

About 7-8 years ago I remember standing in the hallway in between their three bedrooms and finally reaching my breaking point and telling God that I couldn’t do it any more. I couldn’t take the fear. Those kids aren’t mine anyway. They belong to Him. And I asked him to take the fear away…..and He did.

HE DID!

You would think I would have learned my lesson. And I did in a ton of areas of my life. Fear was gone from my life…..

But cancer was different. That fear remained….until now.

You know, the crazy thing is that once your biggest fear is realized, it’s not longer a fear of what might be because it’s reality. So in a really weird way fear loses. I can no longer be afraid of getting cancer….because I have cancer.

So here’s the thing. Fear sucks. S.U.C.K.S. Sucks BIG DONKEY BUTTS!

And honestly, 40 paralyzing years of fear of possible cancer…..for me, worse than the diagnosis of cancer.

Fear is not of God! It’s just not. The Bible even tell us that.

“There is no fear in love; instead perfect love drives out fear because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19

God is love. There is no fear in love. Therefore fear is not of God. He didn’t make it. He doesn’t give it to me. He doesn’t want it in my life any more than I do.

So what do we do with fear?

I wish I had a bullet point list.

3 easy steps for getting rid of fear

Step 1. Never do anything risky.

Step 2. Never love anything you could lose.

Step 3. Control every single aspect of your life with such a choking death grip that no one around you can breathe.

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Who wants to be that person? An unloving, boring control freak who sucks the life out of her husband and kids but to the rest of the world she looks like the girl who has it all together because she’s “in control” of her life.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Control is a lie. It just is. We live in such a control freak society that we have ourselves convinced that we can control everything….and we can’t. But that’s another blog for another time

So if my awesome bullet point list isn’t going to work, what will?

Make a choice.

But Kristin, that’s not DOING anything!!!

I beg to differ. It’s doing everything!

CHOOSE to give it to God. Let Him take it away. And then when you find your mind going down that well worn, creepy lookin’, haunted forest appearing path of fear you CHOOSE to give it to Him again. And again. And again. Until you have chosen to give it to Him so many times that you instinctively, organically, finally get that first breath of sweet, amazing freedom.

FREEDOM

See, fear isn’t just a liar. Fear is also a jailer.

Fear places prison bars in our lives. Prison bars that control our lives. Isn’t it ironic that our soul sucking, breath stealing, relationship killing control freak tendencies born out of our personal fears actually control us.

So fear…..you’re gone.

I’m kickin’ cancer’s ass. I’m kicking fear’s ass……Kristin Marsh style!